A Few Words Before I Sleep

I said I would write every day and I have, I think, until today. So here are a few words before I sleep. 

My head is noisy. I have a lot of kids. I struggle to be gracious. I struggle to love unconditionally. 

I get depressed after three days of sickness and now it’s been six. 

My head is very, very noisy. 

I would like a clear path and purpose. I would like to wonder just a little bit less. 

I need to stay off social media because it makes everything in my head worse but I want to write and part of writing is engaging and I don’t know how to engage in this world without participating in that which others do. So that leaves me in a place of where to go from here? 

I love my books. And this tiny little house in the country. I love the sunset and the rain and being a thousand miles away from home. 

I don’t do well with the hustle and bustle, I don’t do well being pulled in so many directions at once. 

I long for quiet but I know a lot of the noise is within me, how do you silence the noise that is within? 

I felt a rush of light and joy and freedom last year…and then it all came crashing down. I want it back I want it back I don’t know how to bring it back. 

I hate the harness of fear and guilt. I despise it. I wear it day in and day out and it strangles me and wrestles me to the ground. 

I want those rose colored glasses. I want confidence. I want the layers to melt into one and the second guessing to take a little rest and the shell I stuff my heart into to release me from its death grip. 

I want to forgive and really mean it. To have faith like a child. To love as though I’ve never been hurt before. 

And I am convinced there is a way to these things, I just don’t quite know what that way is.

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