Since writing The Last Four Years: Part One, I have sat down 3 times to write the next part of the story. Today I have decided that…I can’t. Or just really don’t want to. Dwelling on that year enough to write about it is painful and leaves a dark cloud over my head and around my heart. I have come too far to want to go back. So. If you would like to find out where that year took us or how it transformed my heart you can read a pretty good summary of that here:
And here: (Ten Things I Still Believe)
I’ve also asked myself, since writing part one, why go back that far at all? Why tell this story? Why does it matter?
It matters because it changed me. Not on the outside. On the outside I am still a mom. Still homeschooling. Still living in Nashville. Still running and reading. Still married. From a distance things don’t look much different. But my world view has changed. And my God view. For better or worse.
And that has given me a whole heck of a lot of thoughts and emotions to work through. Things I’d like to work through here. Since writing helps me process. And sharing it with you helps me sort it all out.
So with one last look back, a few more thoughts to catch us up:
I found out I was pregnant with Haven in December of 2012. This news felt like an answer to my prayers. Finding out that I was pregnant with her filled me with an inexplicable sense of peace and joy, excitement even, which was strange given that after the stress and trauma of Canyon’s birth I had said he had to be my last baby because I could never do that again. My pregnancy with Haven was completely unplanned and since the moment it was confirmed that she was growing in my belly, her life has felt like a sweet gift from our Creator. Her face is my reminder that I am loved and that He cares for me. Our story (hers and mine) has thus far been a story of redemption and for that I am so very grateful. My pregnancy with her was joyful and secure and cherished. I gave birth to her at home with an Angel of a midwife. It was the most beautiful, most empowering, most intensely spiritual experience of my life thus far. My nursing relationship with Haven has been redemptive for me and restorative to my spirit. Our Haven girl has brought so much light to our home and to my heart.
Haven will be 2 next month. Being a mom of 4 has rocked my world. It has made me more tired than I even knew was possible. It has stretched me. Challenged me. Made me frazzled and forgetful more often than not. It has also shown me that I am capable of so much more than I think I am. It has made me more compassionate. It has forced me to let go of so much that just. does. not. matter. Being a mom of 4 brings love and grace to the doorstep of my heart every single day. It drives me crazy and it makes me grateful.
Which is really where you will find me living today- on the corner of Crazy and Grateful, with a lot of Love blooming and Grace growing. Come over for a visit? (We are usually home…since leaving the house with 4 kids just feels too dang hard.) 🙂